he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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