He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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