watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
