Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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