I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
