The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
