dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
