We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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