Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
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Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
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The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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