if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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