Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
