got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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