The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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