I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
