you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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