ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
