god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
