apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
