I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
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