My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Randomize
