My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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