So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Two words: blizzard sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize