It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
