The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
