Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
