Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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