I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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