Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
