Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
