I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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