I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize