It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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