I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
