Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
