I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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