I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
