Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
