hell yes lets make some ravioli
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
