He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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