The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
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Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
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I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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