Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
