at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
