just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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