i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
