Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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