What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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