I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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