I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
