if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
