Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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