I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
