so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
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