conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
