I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
why do cheetos always look like penises
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
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I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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